My Favorite Song
It was July 2023, I was off to work in my cab, and work was an hour and a half away.
I’d listen to songs during this time to pass my time. And
there was a pattern that I followed, usually on the way to work, I’d listen to
peppy numbers to get rid of the blues and motivate me through the day. And
while coming back, I’d usually listen to something that’d ease my nerves or
that’d take me back to my childhood.
And I never really had any favourites.
And then Horaata dropped (A song from Saptha Saagaradaache
Ello - Side A. The greatest movie ever made, as per me)
I have listened to music all my life, but I really started
listening when I started my college, as I had an hour-long commute and that
gave me enough time to go down the rabbit holes of classic rock and Kannada
songs. But never had any song made me feel the way Horaata did when I listened
to it.
Horaata made me feel understood.
2023 was a brutal year for me. I was under so much stress
due to my dead-end role within my organization and coupled with the rejection
from someone I really liked from a long time, made me store a lot of fat under
my chin and the deep-fried snacks I ate to keep myself distracted didn’t help
either. I gained more than 10 kilos that year in a span of 3 months.
On top of that, I began experiencing hair fall, that scared
me so much that I ended up getting a buzz cut to keep my peace.
By July, I was an oddly overweight bald guy with a puffy
pace. A stark contrast to how I looked at the beginning of the year.
And then Horaata happened.
When I listened to it first, I was mystified with the lyrics!
I began listening to it intently, trying to make sense of each and every word
used in the song. And then I began singing it aloud in my cab (After obtaining
the permission of my cab driver, of course)
By the end of the week, I had the lyrics by heart along with
all the swaras that come in the song.
From then on, each moment of distress would be followed by
Horaata. Each moment of loneliness would usually end with me singing Horaata.
Everyday, I’d wake up with Horaata to motivate me through the day.
Well, you must be wondering, what’s this song about?
Horaata means ‘Struggle’ in Kannada.
And the song is basically about the struggles one goes
through in their life. A relentless fight for survival, with no relief in sight
and a distant destination as the only hope. An interesting metaphor used in the
song is comparing this struggle to the dreams that remain unfulfilled for a
bird with broken wings aiming for the blue skies.
At that moment, I felt like that bird. I had been aiming to
do my Masters and experience life, but circumstances led me to the job I hated
doing. And I could only look at the sky and long for the life I never had.
The song continues to talk about how the pressures for a
roof over the head and some money in the pocket never end. And how a cruel city
just takes away what little one has, mercilessly. And the line that stuck to me
most was – “Aarivada ekantha Korala biggidide” – that the realization that
you’re completely alone in this struggle, has your throat in a death grip.
And I had never felt this lonely. Even some of my friends
would say that I’ve gained a ton of weight, and I knew they’d not be able to
understand. None of my pants fit well but I had no time or interest to buy new
pants, and the situation at work only kept getting worse. To make matters worse,
Instagram would show me (Or Maybe I’d see) a lot of posts and stories of people
living their lives abroad while pursuing their masters and that would just make
my longing worse.
Horaata in its last few verses talks about the hope that
exists even in this labyrinth of struggle. And while there’s muck and grime all
around, one stands strong and survives, to fight another day.
It was a difficult task but I stopped longing. I stopped
longing for a paradise that could have been mine. I began singing Horaata all
day, every day. I began accepting my situation.
Every relisten made me appreciate how I had stood strong in the face of adversity.
Once I had made my peace with my reality, I spent time
getting better. Starting with changing my role. The process was far from easy,
with lots of messages and mails that went unanswered by the hiring managers.
And a few failed interviews, as well. However, Horaata just made me push
stronger. Because hope exists even in the darkest of places. And at the moment,
my mind was the darkest place for me.
And serendipity stuck, one day.
From there, it was a wild ride, however filled with
gratitude and strength. And, with the change, my hair grew back stronger than
ever. And within another year, I lost all the weight I had gained with few more
kilos on the side.
I still listen to Horaata. And I’m thankful that I’m doing
way better than before.
The best thing is, now I can look up at the sky and
appreciate it without yearning for the life I never had.
Maybe, music is magic.
And yeah, the link to Horaata is below; have a listen!
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